I am going to be fat for my wedding. This is a fact. At the beginning of the year, I was convinced I had all this time to lose weight, that I had more than enough time actually. Now suddenly it's almost July and I've lost all of about 7lbs, at most. Which leaves me with about 55 left to lose in the next 2 months. Ha.
I don't understand where my life is going. One minute I'm 19 and then BAM! I'm 23. WTF? It's all just too much. Life terrifies me, makes me want to curl into a ball on my bed and just sleep until it's over. When I imagine my future I am so, so scared. I can't handle the idea of being me for another 60+ years. That is far too overwhelming.
I wish my actions didn't affect others. Why can't I just kill myself and have no one care? Life would be so much easier if no one cared about me. No, actually that's not true. Life would be much, much harder. But dying would be easier. Oh, dying would be so, beautifully easy. Just one quick step, one simple, easy action and I could be free. It brings me almost to tears to think about the relief of dying. No responsibilities, no emotions or expectations. No guilt, no fear, no hatred. Just... nothing.
Nothingness is so lovely, so, so temptimg.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
I Need Friends
I’m so sick of having no one I can talk to. Obviously I have Ty, and I love talking to him more than anyone else in the world, but it’s not the same. I don’t have anyone I can just call up to hang out with. One of my favorite things to do used to be to just drive around with friends, talking, maybe smoking, maybe causing mischief but mostly just enjoying each other’s company. I miss that so much.
The one person in my life I really feel like I could be friends with is Ty’s brother, Jake. He’s one of the very few people that I feel I can be myself around and we have a ridiculous amount of things in common. But I feel like that would make both Ty and Jake’s wife sort of uncomfortable if we suddenly just started hanging out without them. It’s a shame.
Other than Ty, Jake and my sister, I can’t think of a single person in this world whose company I actually enjoy, 100%. How depressing.
I’m so pathetic.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
A Letter To Me
Before you eat that snack, think. Think about the body you want. Think about how good it would feel to weigh 130 pounds, or even less. Think about how many chemicals are actually in that “food”. How unhealthy it is for you. Think about the benefits of good nutrition and exercise. Imagine your anxiety, your depression just melting away. Think about how you’ll really feel if you eat that junk or skip that work out. Think about what a stronger person you will be if you resist temptation. Flex your will power muscle. It’s been inactive for far too long.
Remember when you weighed 150? Imagine weighing less than that. Being smaller. How amazing would that feel? Imagine Ty being able to carry you. Imagine Kalia really looking up to you. Don’t you want to be a role model for her? For your future children? Don’t you want to show everyone that you can do it, that you actually have some self-control?
Don’t be the gross fatty that everyone judges. Don’t be the one people avoid because they think you must smell. Be the object of envy, not of disgust. And imagine how much easier it would be to run, to breathe, to exist. You want that. So make it happen. There are no excuses.
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
I need to start eating better
Sugar is bad. Sugar is bad. Sugar is bad. Sugar is bad. Sugar is bad. Sugar is bad. Sugar is bad. Sugar is bad. Sugar is bad. Sugar is bad. Sugar is bad. Sugar is bad. Sugar is bad. Sugar is bad. Sugar is bad. Sugar is bad. Sugar is bad. Sugar is bad. Sugar is bad. Sugar is bad. Sugar is bad. Sugar is bad. Sugar is bad. Sugar is bad. Sugar is bad. Sugar is bad. Sugar is bad!!
Sorry, just needed to write it a few dozen times. Maybe it’ll sink in now.
Monday, March 18, 2013
Update, I guess
I think I'm going to vomit.
I know I haven't updated in a while. Sorry about that. Not that anyone
reads this lol. I've been fat, fat, fat these past couple weeks, or
moths, or however long it's been since I last posted. Don't remember
what I was last time but yesterday morning I was 189.8. So best case
scenario I've maintained. Worst case, I've gained a couple. Oh, joy.
My anxiety is out of control. I'm sitting here at work, just by myself
in my office, trying to stave off a panic attack. That's what I've
been doing for more or less the past week, and it's horrible. If I'm
not around family I'm freaking out. Luckily the weekend was actually
pretty good. Saturday I spent the day shopping with my mom and my
sister, which was very relaxing and comforting. Then yesterday Ty and
I went bowling with a couple old friends we hadn't seen in forever,
which was also nice. But of course, this morning we wake up and we're
both in serious panic mode. It never fails.
I feel awful for him mostly; he's doing so much worse than I am.
Because on top of all the stress and anxiety we're both dealing with,
he's a serious hypochondriac and he's terrified for his health. He's
convinced he's going to die, which is of course just oh so comforting
to me. We actually ended up in the E.R. yesterday morning because his
leg's been in a lot of pain and he's worried he has a blood clot. So
that was fun, not that we were there for more than an hour. Doctors
take one look at his history with anxiety and immediately credit every
health problem to that. Not everything is caused by stress! And what's
going to happen that day that there really is something wrong and they
don't believe him? I understand that tests are expensive and they get
frustrated with him constantly coming in then finding out it's
nothing. But what's the alternative, if he can't tell the difference?
Stop going to the doctor, that's the alternative. Not going to happen.
We're supposed to get a big snowstorm tonight and all day tomorrow.
Please, please, please let the bank be closed. If it fizzles like last
time and I have to work all day I will be so incredibly upset. Ughhh I
don't know how to keep doing this. I'm going to crack.
I know I haven't updated in a while. Sorry about that. Not that anyone
reads this lol. I've been fat, fat, fat these past couple weeks, or
moths, or however long it's been since I last posted. Don't remember
what I was last time but yesterday morning I was 189.8. So best case
scenario I've maintained. Worst case, I've gained a couple. Oh, joy.
My anxiety is out of control. I'm sitting here at work, just by myself
in my office, trying to stave off a panic attack. That's what I've
been doing for more or less the past week, and it's horrible. If I'm
not around family I'm freaking out. Luckily the weekend was actually
pretty good. Saturday I spent the day shopping with my mom and my
sister, which was very relaxing and comforting. Then yesterday Ty and
I went bowling with a couple old friends we hadn't seen in forever,
which was also nice. But of course, this morning we wake up and we're
both in serious panic mode. It never fails.
I feel awful for him mostly; he's doing so much worse than I am.
Because on top of all the stress and anxiety we're both dealing with,
he's a serious hypochondriac and he's terrified for his health. He's
convinced he's going to die, which is of course just oh so comforting
to me. We actually ended up in the E.R. yesterday morning because his
leg's been in a lot of pain and he's worried he has a blood clot. So
that was fun, not that we were there for more than an hour. Doctors
take one look at his history with anxiety and immediately credit every
health problem to that. Not everything is caused by stress! And what's
going to happen that day that there really is something wrong and they
don't believe him? I understand that tests are expensive and they get
frustrated with him constantly coming in then finding out it's
nothing. But what's the alternative, if he can't tell the difference?
Stop going to the doctor, that's the alternative. Not going to happen.
We're supposed to get a big snowstorm tonight and all day tomorrow.
Please, please, please let the bank be closed. If it fizzles like last
time and I have to work all day I will be so incredibly upset. Ughhh I
don't know how to keep doing this. I'm going to crack.
Monday, February 11, 2013
Weekend’s over, thank god.
Well, I didn't have the best weekend. I'll spare you the gross details
but basically when I stepped on the scale this morning it said I'd
gained 5lbs in 3 days. Obviously I know most of that is just food and
water weight but at least one of those pounds has got to be legit. I'm
so disgusting.
Starting today though, I'm on a new eating plan. Basically my cals go like this:
M: 750
T: 750
W: 1000
Th: 750
F: 1000
Sa: 1250
Su: 1500
Plus, I get 1400 weekly cals that I can use on any day (stole the idea
from weight watchers XD) and I have burn off 2500 a week through
exercise. I'm hoping it gives me enough flexibility and variety to
actually stick with it.
Sometimes I worry that I'm not good enough to lose weight. Like no
matter how badly I want it, subconsciously I know I don't deserve it
so I sabotage myself. I've tried a million times and I've never been
able to lose more than 10 pounds or so before it comes right back on.
It's like I'm setting myself up to fail.
And if that's the case, how am I ever supposed to lose any weight? I'm
just going to fucking cut it off.
but basically when I stepped on the scale this morning it said I'd
gained 5lbs in 3 days. Obviously I know most of that is just food and
water weight but at least one of those pounds has got to be legit. I'm
so disgusting.
Starting today though, I'm on a new eating plan. Basically my cals go like this:
M: 750
T: 750
W: 1000
Th: 750
F: 1000
Sa: 1250
Su: 1500
Plus, I get 1400 weekly cals that I can use on any day (stole the idea
from weight watchers XD) and I have burn off 2500 a week through
exercise. I'm hoping it gives me enough flexibility and variety to
actually stick with it.
Sometimes I worry that I'm not good enough to lose weight. Like no
matter how badly I want it, subconsciously I know I don't deserve it
so I sabotage myself. I've tried a million times and I've never been
able to lose more than 10 pounds or so before it comes right back on.
It's like I'm setting myself up to fail.
And if that's the case, how am I ever supposed to lose any weight? I'm
just going to fucking cut it off.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Good day yesterday!
I just read through my previous posts and god, I'm depressing! Well at
least there's a little good news- yesterday was an awesome day in
terms of food. I ate 890 calories, which is still a little more than I
wanted to eat but I'm not complaining. That's the first day in a
couple weeks that I've kept my cals under 1000. Yayyyyyy! I also
stepped on the scale this morning and it said 188.6. Double yayyyyyy!
I'm going to lose at least 2 pounds a week, which brings me to just
about 130 by the wedding which is exactly where I wanted to be. And
I'm already ahead of schedule because I wanted to be 190 at most by
tomorrow.
I'm so pumped up. Every day is going to be like yesterday. Every. Single. Day.
Going to the YMCA with my mom tonight to do Group Power, a strength
training class. Can't waaaaaaaaaait! :)
~Katy
least there's a little good news- yesterday was an awesome day in
terms of food. I ate 890 calories, which is still a little more than I
wanted to eat but I'm not complaining. That's the first day in a
couple weeks that I've kept my cals under 1000. Yayyyyyy! I also
stepped on the scale this morning and it said 188.6. Double yayyyyyy!
I'm going to lose at least 2 pounds a week, which brings me to just
about 130 by the wedding which is exactly where I wanted to be. And
I'm already ahead of schedule because I wanted to be 190 at most by
tomorrow.
I'm so pumped up. Every day is going to be like yesterday. Every. Single. Day.
Going to the YMCA with my mom tonight to do Group Power, a strength
training class. Can't waaaaaaaaaait! :)
~Katy
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
I Feel Like a Broken Record
I am so fat. Sometimes I'm in shock over how fat I am. How does a
person let themselves get this big??
I mean, I literally get out of breath if I walk up more than maybe
three or four stairs. Not flights. Individual steps. I was a little
winded just a minute ago walking the 25 feet from the break
room/kitchen to my desk. I also just breathe heavy all the time and I
have nearly constant digestive problems.
I know what it's going to take to fix this, I'm just so goddam lazy.
It's going to take some hard work and some serious calorie cutting.
It's going to be difficult but I don't have a choice. I just have to
remember not to give up what I want the most for what I want in the
moment. That's going to be my weight loss mantra. That should be my
life mantra.
I can't wait to get skinny. Oh my GOD I can't wait!! I want my hip
bones to stick out and my collar bones to protrude. I want one hand to
completely circle my upper arm and two hands to more than circle my
thigh. I want to be tiny, tiny, tiny. I want to be so small I
disappear into nothing.
I think I need a therapist. Lol.
person let themselves get this big??
I mean, I literally get out of breath if I walk up more than maybe
three or four stairs. Not flights. Individual steps. I was a little
winded just a minute ago walking the 25 feet from the break
room/kitchen to my desk. I also just breathe heavy all the time and I
have nearly constant digestive problems.
I know what it's going to take to fix this, I'm just so goddam lazy.
It's going to take some hard work and some serious calorie cutting.
It's going to be difficult but I don't have a choice. I just have to
remember not to give up what I want the most for what I want in the
moment. That's going to be my weight loss mantra. That should be my
life mantra.
I can't wait to get skinny. Oh my GOD I can't wait!! I want my hip
bones to stick out and my collar bones to protrude. I want one hand to
completely circle my upper arm and two hands to more than circle my
thigh. I want to be tiny, tiny, tiny. I want to be so small I
disappear into nothing.
I think I need a therapist. Lol.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
I'm so sick of everything
I have have have have to be thin. Urrrrggghhhh it's driving me insane.
Why is it so hard to lose weight? It should be so easy! Just eat fewer
calories than you burn! Am I really that stupid? I feel like such a
gigantic failure. I hate myself so much for what I let myself become.
I'm a fat, ugly, disgusting, awkward piece of s___. I would say I'm
going to get my act together and stop eating so much and start working
out but really, how many times have I said that and how many times has
it happened? About a million, and never.
I don't understand why I haven't lost any weight. No, that's a lie. I
know exactly why I haven't lost any weight. I haven't really tried.
I'm so incredibly lazy. But I'm done smoking. I'm done, done, done. No
more spending over $60 a week for a bag that's going to last us 4
days. I think that's why Ty is always so sick, because he's so awful
to his stomach when he smokes. He's awful to his stomach anyways, but
it's much worse when he's smoking. And if I'm smoking too I'm
completely unmotivated to make anything remotely healthy. We've had
pizza for about the past week and a half. Which is not only horrible
and disgusting, it's seriously draining my wallet.
I'm so sick of food. I would give anything to never have to eat it
again. Because if I never start eating, I never really feel the need
to eat. But once I take that first teeny bite it's all over and I may
as well just gorge myself right then because it's going to happen
sooner or later. I also wish I could start going to bed earlier so I
could wake up earlier so I could go to the gym before work. I really
think that would help get me into weight loss mode all day.
Another huge motivator? The other night when we were lying in bed
cuddling, Ty was rubbing my hip. I was laying on my side so all the
fat on my tummy was hanging down (how gross is that?) and you could
clearly see and feel my hip bone which you absolutely cannot when I'm
standing. So anyways, Ty was rubbing my hip and he goes "I love your
hips. I love how they stick out. It's so sexy." Um, what?? My hips do
NOT stick out, I just happened to be in the right position at that
moment. And he's CONSTANTLY telling me how I'm beautiful the way I am
and he loves my body and stick thin girls are gross. However, every
time he thinks a girl is hot, she's stick thin. Natalie Portman, Anne
Hathaway and Mila Kunis are his celebrity crushes. I mean, come on.
Not that he calls girls my size fat or anything, but he almost never
finds them attractive. Honestly, that makes me feel like he settled
for me because I'm the best he could do. He's not that type of guy but
it makes me feel like crap nonetheless.
My hip bones WILL stick out. Standing up. They will. Giving myself 9
months. November 1st I will be tiny.
Why is it so hard to lose weight? It should be so easy! Just eat fewer
calories than you burn! Am I really that stupid? I feel like such a
gigantic failure. I hate myself so much for what I let myself become.
I'm a fat, ugly, disgusting, awkward piece of s___. I would say I'm
going to get my act together and stop eating so much and start working
out but really, how many times have I said that and how many times has
it happened? About a million, and never.
I don't understand why I haven't lost any weight. No, that's a lie. I
know exactly why I haven't lost any weight. I haven't really tried.
I'm so incredibly lazy. But I'm done smoking. I'm done, done, done. No
more spending over $60 a week for a bag that's going to last us 4
days. I think that's why Ty is always so sick, because he's so awful
to his stomach when he smokes. He's awful to his stomach anyways, but
it's much worse when he's smoking. And if I'm smoking too I'm
completely unmotivated to make anything remotely healthy. We've had
pizza for about the past week and a half. Which is not only horrible
and disgusting, it's seriously draining my wallet.
I'm so sick of food. I would give anything to never have to eat it
again. Because if I never start eating, I never really feel the need
to eat. But once I take that first teeny bite it's all over and I may
as well just gorge myself right then because it's going to happen
sooner or later. I also wish I could start going to bed earlier so I
could wake up earlier so I could go to the gym before work. I really
think that would help get me into weight loss mode all day.
Another huge motivator? The other night when we were lying in bed
cuddling, Ty was rubbing my hip. I was laying on my side so all the
fat on my tummy was hanging down (how gross is that?) and you could
clearly see and feel my hip bone which you absolutely cannot when I'm
standing. So anyways, Ty was rubbing my hip and he goes "I love your
hips. I love how they stick out. It's so sexy." Um, what?? My hips do
NOT stick out, I just happened to be in the right position at that
moment. And he's CONSTANTLY telling me how I'm beautiful the way I am
and he loves my body and stick thin girls are gross. However, every
time he thinks a girl is hot, she's stick thin. Natalie Portman, Anne
Hathaway and Mila Kunis are his celebrity crushes. I mean, come on.
Not that he calls girls my size fat or anything, but he almost never
finds them attractive. Honestly, that makes me feel like he settled
for me because I'm the best he could do. He's not that type of guy but
it makes me feel like crap nonetheless.
My hip bones WILL stick out. Standing up. They will. Giving myself 9
months. November 1st I will be tiny.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Welcome!
I figured I should actually start this blog. I’ve had it set up for a while but haven’t posted anything yet. So here we go.
Hey, I’m Katy J Welcome to Katy Gets Thin! Currently I am a disgusting 192.6 pounds and working really hard to bring that number down! Ideally I’d like to be 130 or less for my wedding on Sept. 1st. So 63lbs in 7 months, totally possible. I’m hoping this blog will hold me accountable!
Right now I don’t have any particular diet plan, just trying to keep my cals low. I find that if I’m too restrictive regarding what I can and can’t eat I end up binging like crazy. If all I eat in a day is 600 calories worth of chips, whatever. At least I only ate 600 cals. Definitely better than not letting myself have them and binging on 2000 cals of something else later. Also trying to work out at least a few times a week!
Well that’s it for now. I plan to update regularly.
~Katy
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