I am going to be fat for my wedding. This is a fact. At the beginning of the year, I was convinced I had all this time to lose weight, that I had more than enough time actually. Now suddenly it's almost July and I've lost all of about 7lbs, at most. Which leaves me with about 55 left to lose in the next 2 months. Ha.
I don't understand where my life is going. One minute I'm 19 and then BAM! I'm 23. WTF? It's all just too much. Life terrifies me, makes me want to curl into a ball on my bed and just sleep until it's over. When I imagine my future I am so, so scared. I can't handle the idea of being me for another 60+ years. That is far too overwhelming.
I wish my actions didn't affect others. Why can't I just kill myself and have no one care? Life would be so much easier if no one cared about me. No, actually that's not true. Life would be much, much harder. But dying would be easier. Oh, dying would be so, beautifully easy. Just one quick step, one simple, easy action and I could be free. It brings me almost to tears to think about the relief of dying. No responsibilities, no emotions or expectations. No guilt, no fear, no hatred. Just... nothing.
Nothingness is so lovely, so, so temptimg.
