Weekend’s over, thank god.

Well, I didn't have the best weekend. I'll spare you the gross details
but basically when I stepped on the scale this morning it said I'd
gained 5lbs in 3 days. Obviously I know most of that is just food and
water weight but at least one of those pounds has got to be legit. I'm
so disgusting.

Starting today though, I'm on a new eating plan. Basically my cals go like this:

M: 750
T: 750
W: 1000
Th: 750
F: 1000
Sa: 1250
Su: 1500

Plus, I get 1400 weekly cals that I can use on any day (stole the idea
from weight watchers XD) and I have burn off 2500 a week through
exercise. I'm hoping it gives me enough flexibility and variety to
actually stick with it.

Sometimes I worry that I'm not good enough to lose weight. Like no
matter how badly I want it, subconsciously I know I don't deserve it
so I sabotage myself. I've tried a million times and I've never been
able to lose more than 10 pounds or so before it comes right back on.
It's like I'm setting myself up to fail.

And if that's the case, how am I ever supposed to lose any weight? I'm
just going to fucking cut it off.

Good day yesterday!

I just read through my previous posts and god, I'm depressing! Well at
least there's a little good news- yesterday was an awesome day in
terms of food. I ate 890 calories, which is still a little more than I
wanted to eat but I'm not complaining. That's the first day in a
couple weeks that I've kept my cals under 1000. Yayyyyyy! I also
stepped on the scale this morning and it said 188.6. Double yayyyyyy!

I'm going to lose at least 2 pounds a week, which brings me to just
about 130 by the wedding which is exactly where I wanted to be. And
I'm already ahead of schedule because I wanted to be 190 at most by
tomorrow.

I'm so pumped up. Every day is going to be like yesterday. Every. Single. Day.

Going to the YMCA with my mom tonight to do Group Power, a strength
training class. Can't waaaaaaaaaait! :)

~Katy

I Feel Like a Broken Record

I am so fat. Sometimes I'm in shock over how fat I am. How does a
person let themselves get this big??

I mean, I literally get out of breath if I walk up more than maybe
three or four stairs. Not flights. Individual steps. I was a little
winded just a minute ago walking the 25 feet from the break
room/kitchen to my desk. I also just breathe heavy all the time and I
have nearly constant digestive problems.

I know what it's going to take to fix this, I'm just so goddam lazy.
It's going to take some hard work and some serious calorie cutting.
It's going to be difficult but I don't have a choice. I just have to
remember not to give up what I want the most for what I want in the
moment. That's going to be my weight loss mantra. That should be my
life mantra.

I can't wait to get skinny. Oh my GOD I can't wait!! I want my hip
bones to stick out and my collar bones to protrude. I want one hand to
completely circle my upper arm and two hands to more than circle my
thigh. I want to be tiny, tiny, tiny. I want to be so small I
disappear into nothing.

I think I need a therapist. Lol.