Abso-Frickin-Lutely Terrified

I am going to be fat for my wedding. This is a fact. At the beginning of the year, I was convinced I had all this time to lose weight, that I had more than enough time actually. Now suddenly it's almost July and I've lost all of about 7lbs, at most. Which leaves me with about 55 left to lose in the next 2 months. Ha.

I don't understand where my life is going. One minute I'm 19 and then BAM! I'm 23. WTF? It's all just too much. Life terrifies me, makes me want to curl into a ball on my bed and just sleep until it's over. When I imagine my future I am so, so scared. I can't handle the idea of being me for another 60+ years. That is far too overwhelming.

I wish my actions didn't affect others. Why can't I just kill myself and have no one care? Life would be so much easier if no one cared about me. No, actually that's not true. Life would be much, much harder. But dying would be easier. Oh, dying would be so, beautifully easy. Just one quick step, one simple, easy action and I could be free. It brings me almost to tears to think about the relief of dying. No responsibilities, no emotions or expectations. No guilt, no fear, no hatred. Just... nothing.

Nothingness is so lovely, so, so temptimg.

I Need Friends

I’m so sick of having no one I can talk to. Obviously I have Ty, and I love talking to him more than anyone else in the world, but it’s not the same. I don’t have anyone I can just call up to hang out with. One of my favorite things to do used to be to just drive around with friends, talking, maybe smoking, maybe causing mischief but mostly just enjoying each other’s company. I miss that so much.

The one person in my life I really feel like I could be friends with is Ty’s brother, Jake. He’s one of the very few people that I feel I can be myself around and we have a ridiculous amount of things in common. But I feel like that would make both Ty and Jake’s wife sort of uncomfortable if we suddenly just started hanging out without them. It’s a shame.

Other than Ty, Jake and my sister, I can’t think of a single person in this world whose company I actually enjoy, 100%. How depressing.

I’m so pathetic.

A Letter To Me

Before you eat that snack, think. Think about the body you want. Think about how good it would feel to weigh 130 pounds, or even less. Think about how many chemicals are actually in that “food”. How unhealthy it is for you. Think about the benefits of good nutrition and exercise. Imagine your anxiety, your depression just melting away. Think about how you’ll really feel if you eat that junk or skip that work out. Think about what a stronger person you will be if you resist temptation. Flex your will power muscle. It’s been inactive for far too long.

Remember when you weighed 150? Imagine weighing less than that. Being smaller. How amazing would that feel? Imagine Ty being able to carry you. Imagine Kalia really looking up to you. Don’t you want to be a role model for her? For your future children? Don’t you want to show everyone that you can do it, that you actually have some self-control?

Don’t be the gross fatty that everyone judges. Don’t be the one people avoid because they think you must smell. Be the object of envy, not of disgust. And imagine how much easier it would be to run, to breathe, to exist. You want that. So make it happen. There are no excuses.

I need to start eating better

Sugar is bad. Sugar is bad. Sugar is bad. Sugar is bad. Sugar is bad. Sugar is bad. Sugar is bad. Sugar is bad. Sugar is bad. Sugar is bad. Sugar is bad. Sugar is bad. Sugar is bad. Sugar is bad. Sugar is bad. Sugar is bad. Sugar is bad. Sugar is bad. Sugar is bad. Sugar is bad. Sugar is bad. Sugar is bad. Sugar is bad. Sugar is bad. Sugar is bad. Sugar is bad.  Sugar is bad!!

Sorry, just needed to write it a few dozen times. Maybe it’ll sink in now.

Update, I guess

I think I'm going to vomit.

I know I haven't updated in a while. Sorry about that. Not that anyone
reads this lol. I've been fat, fat, fat these past couple weeks, or
moths, or however long it's been since I last posted. Don't remember
what I was last time but yesterday morning I was 189.8. So best case
scenario I've maintained. Worst case, I've gained a couple. Oh, joy.

My anxiety is out of control. I'm sitting here at work, just by myself
in my office, trying to stave off a panic attack. That's what I've
been doing for more or less the past week, and it's horrible. If I'm
not around family I'm freaking out. Luckily the weekend was actually
pretty good. Saturday I spent the day shopping with my mom and my
sister, which was very relaxing and comforting. Then yesterday Ty and
I went bowling with a couple old friends we hadn't seen in forever,
which was also nice. But of course, this morning we wake up and we're
both in serious panic mode. It never fails.

I feel awful for him mostly; he's doing so much worse than I am.
Because on top of all the stress and anxiety we're both dealing with,
he's a serious hypochondriac and he's terrified for his health. He's
convinced he's going to die, which is of course just oh so comforting
to me. We actually ended up in the E.R. yesterday morning because his
leg's been in a lot of pain and he's worried he has a blood clot. So
that was fun, not that we were there for more than an hour. Doctors
take one look at his history with anxiety and immediately credit every
health problem to that. Not everything is caused by stress! And what's
going to happen that day that there really is something wrong and they
don't believe him? I understand that tests are expensive and they get
frustrated with him constantly coming in then finding out it's
nothing. But what's the alternative, if he can't tell the difference?
Stop going to the doctor, that's the alternative. Not going to happen.

We're supposed to get a big snowstorm tonight and all day tomorrow.
Please, please, please let the bank be closed. If it fizzles like last
time and I have to work all day I will be so incredibly upset. Ughhh I
don't know how to keep doing this. I'm going to crack.

Weekend’s over, thank god.

Well, I didn't have the best weekend. I'll spare you the gross details
but basically when I stepped on the scale this morning it said I'd
gained 5lbs in 3 days. Obviously I know most of that is just food and
water weight but at least one of those pounds has got to be legit. I'm
so disgusting.

Starting today though, I'm on a new eating plan. Basically my cals go like this:

M: 750
T: 750
W: 1000
Th: 750
F: 1000
Sa: 1250
Su: 1500

Plus, I get 1400 weekly cals that I can use on any day (stole the idea
from weight watchers XD) and I have burn off 2500 a week through
exercise. I'm hoping it gives me enough flexibility and variety to
actually stick with it.

Sometimes I worry that I'm not good enough to lose weight. Like no
matter how badly I want it, subconsciously I know I don't deserve it
so I sabotage myself. I've tried a million times and I've never been
able to lose more than 10 pounds or so before it comes right back on.
It's like I'm setting myself up to fail.

And if that's the case, how am I ever supposed to lose any weight? I'm
just going to fucking cut it off.

Good day yesterday!

I just read through my previous posts and god, I'm depressing! Well at
least there's a little good news- yesterday was an awesome day in
terms of food. I ate 890 calories, which is still a little more than I
wanted to eat but I'm not complaining. That's the first day in a
couple weeks that I've kept my cals under 1000. Yayyyyyy! I also
stepped on the scale this morning and it said 188.6. Double yayyyyyy!

I'm going to lose at least 2 pounds a week, which brings me to just
about 130 by the wedding which is exactly where I wanted to be. And
I'm already ahead of schedule because I wanted to be 190 at most by
tomorrow.

I'm so pumped up. Every day is going to be like yesterday. Every. Single. Day.

Going to the YMCA with my mom tonight to do Group Power, a strength
training class. Can't waaaaaaaaaait! :)

~Katy